Software FAIL

[java] You want to create an object in one line?!?!??!

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 17:44:34 -0400

try {
  Class clazz = type.getClassIWant();
  Constructor c = clazz.getConstructor(Integer.TYPE,SomeOther.class,Integer.TYPE,Date.class);
  return (Benchmark)c.newInstance(samples,dao,days,from);
}
catch (NoSuchMethodException e) {
  throw new ServletException(e);
}
catch (InstantiationException e) {
  throw new ServletException(e);
}
catch (IllegalAccessException e) {
  throw new ServletException(e);
}
catch (InvocationTargetException e) {
  throw new ServletException(e);
}

Why aren’t constructors part of interfaces?
Why are there so many stupid exceptions I have to catch?
Why is this any “safer” than SomeClass.new(samples,dao,days,from)? The net effect is the same, but I’ve just added a pile of steaming shit to my codebase for no benefit?
Don’t even tell me to replace this with some Spring XML bullshit. Angle brackets are like crack with none of the benefits (which I guess makes them cigarettes?)

[java] 1000 monkeys could've implemented better Generics than Sun did

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 11:37:09 -0400


import java.util.*;

public class Test {
    public static void main(String args[])     {
        Map map = new HashMap();
        map.put(45L,"die now");
        System.err.println(map.get(45));
    }
}

Not only does this motherfucker compile with no warnings or other problems, but at runtime, it prints FUCKING NULL.

So, my question to the braintrust that designed an implemented the pile-of-shit-Generics is:

If the literal “45” isn’t a long (and therefore is not a key in my map), WHY THE FUCK DOES IT COMPILE?

[java] I want svn blame src/java/util/Date

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 11:11:00 -0400

preparedStatement.setDate(1,new java.sql.Date(someDate.getTime())

Would would ever want to create a java.sql.Date from a java.util.Date?!?!? And god FUCKING FORBID that java.sql.PreparedStatement take a java.util.Date…

[java] Imports are for obsessive morons and lazy compilers

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 11:32:04 -0400

Why is this:

import java.util.ArrayList;
import java.util.Collection;
import java.util.Date;
import java.util.EnumMap;
import java.util.HashMap;
import java.util.List;
import java.util.Map;
import java.util.Set;
import java.util.Calendar;

import org.apache.commons.collections.Factory;
import org.apache.commons.collections.Predicate;

import org.apache.commons.collections.map.LazyMap;

import org.apache.commons.logging.Log;
import org.apache.commons.logging.LogFactory;

import org.springframework.beans.factory.annotation.Autowired;
import org.springframework.beans.factory.annotation.Required;

supposed to be superior to this:

import java.util.*;
import org.apache.commons.collections.*;
import org.apache.commons.collections.map.*;
import org.apache.commons.logging.*;
import org.springframework.beans.factory.annotation.*

The compiler should be able to figure all this shit out anyway; why does it even need to be there at all?

[eclipse] Your javadoc defaults SUCK

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 11:55:37 -0400

The only thing worse than bad comments is no comments. The only thing worse than no comments is Eclipse’s bullshit “helper” comments:

/**
 * @param name
 * @param type
 * @return
 */
public void doit(String name, String type)

This is worse than useless. I suggest the new Eclipse defaults for developers too lazy to even delete empty comments be like so:

/** performs a feat I could never normally do: lands me a woman
 * @param name I put the "E" in UNIX
 * @param type I put the "E" in UNIX
 * @return the shattered remains of my virginity
 */
public void doit(String name, String type)

Even better if it puts the authors name in the comments.

[maven] exit values mean nothing!!

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 10:34:00 -0400

> mvn clean install && echo 'It Worked!!!'
[INFO] Scanning for projects...
[INFO] ------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ERROR] FATAL ERROR
[INFO] ------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INFO] Error building POM (may not be this project's POM).
It Worked!!!

System.exit(-1): ever hear of it ‘ya douchelords?

[java] Annotations breed configuration bloat

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 12:45:35 -0400

[java] Annotations breed configuration bloat

[easymock] I understand mock objects, but can't subtract?!?

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 17:08:39 -0500

Unexpected method call createRelative("sub/"):
    createRelative("sub/"): expected: 1, actual: 1 (+1)

This is the epitome of programmer FAIL. While I appreciate the effort to show me the difference in actual vs. expected, the actual actual is not shown. How about:

Unexpected method call createRelative("sub/"):
    createRelative("sub/"): expected: 1, actual: 2 (+1)

Since this, you know, reflects what actually happened using accepted practices in the English language of the word “actual”, a colon and the number “2”.

[spring] XML Bean Configuration is the work of the devil

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 11:04:41 -0500

Start your spring-based dependency-injected pattern-compliant buzzword-happy Java application
See an obscure message at INFO level about a bean not being initialized
Watch as your application dumps thousands of spring exceptions (at INFO level, ‘natch)
Open up the 500 line XML Bean configuration file
Cry

“Spring: removing predictability, understandability, and the ability to efficiently debug and trace your code since 1999”

[trac] RSS feeds updated in less than 24 hours!

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 14:27:00 -0500

Are you tired of getting the most up-to-date data from your wiki, ticketing system and source code monitor? Trac is the tool for you. You may have previously thought Trac was just the world’s ugliest and least functional wiki, but NO! It also has the least updated RSS feeds and the world’s most worthless commit messages. Trac doesn’t bother you with such details as “the diff”; just the username and the message. And only about 3 hours after the commit!

[iphone] Who would ever schedule a phone call?

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 13:29:37 -0500

iPhone alerts me to a pending calendar event
I unlock the phone to see that it’s a call I need to make
The phone number is handily in the calender entry
Tap number
Tap number
Tap number
Double-tap number
Pinch
Squeeze
Shake
Get pad of paper
Write down number
Dial manually on keypad

[java] W2t T1e F2k i0s u0p w2h t2s, a6s?

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 18:26:54 -0500

Take word that is not that fucking hard to type, especially when you use an editor from the 21st century that can complete dictionary words
Count the number of letters in the word
Subtract two
Type the first letter of the word
Type the number from step 3
Type the last letter of the word
Promote it to Java “programmers” as, well, something to prove how dumb they are? I have no fucking idea. Since when is typing “internationalization” is so difficult, but it’s totally cool to type AbstractDependencyInjectionSpringContextTests?

[maven] The 90210 of log messages

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 18:01:00 -0500

[INFO] ------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ERROR] BUILD FAILURE
[INFO] ------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INFO] Compilation failure

Dear Maven:

The fucking ERROR message is “Compilation Failure”, ya fucksticks.

Sincerely,

Everyone who understand the definition of the words “Error” and “Info”

P.S. Thanks a million for letting us configure the log message level.

[Quicksilver] What is this "google" of which you speak of?

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 17:58:00 -0500

Invoke QuickSilver
Type “Google”
Scratch Head
Enable/Install Web Search
Invoke Quicksilver
Type “Google”
Wonder why in the fuck the default is to search Google MIT and not the most used and popular web search engine in the entire history of the fucking universe.

[Subversion] Can I use this software yet, boss?

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 17:55:41 -0500

“Can I commit yet?”

[Java] Switch Retardination

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 13:53:00 -0500

switch (someStringIGot) 
{
  case "foo" :
    doSomething();
  case "bar" :
    doSomethingElse
  default:
    throw new RuntimeException("Sorry dude");
}

If I understand that this is a compact if-else-if construct, why can’t Java?
What is the purpose of requiring me to have break? Fall-through is usually seen as a code-smell, and should be avoided.

[Java] This compiles

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 13:51:00 -0500

float f = Float.NaN;

How the fuck can a number hold something that’s not a number?!?!?

[Java] Generically Stupid

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 12:30:00 -0500

Map> whyTheFuckAmIRepeatingMyself = new HashMap>();

The irony is, these types are discarded and only relevant at compile time. Then why am I typing them so God damn much??!?!

The solution: if you aren’t gonna actually enforce the types, save me some typing:

List list = getMeAList();
String s = list.get(4);

[Java] This doesn't compile

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 12:15:00 -0500

public class RetardedSyntaxerror
{
    public static void main(String args[])
    {
        doit(5);
    }

    public static void doit(Float f) { }
}